Good Grief
Two psychologists craft a new framework for confronting death.
Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal
Through Loss, by Barbara Okun and Joseph
Nowinski (Berkley Books; 2011; 336 pages;
$26.95)
Modern medicine is uncovering new ways to prolong life, even
in the face of the most serious illnesses. This means more
families are dealing with death not as a sudden event, but as a protracted crisis.
Within this simple truth lies the impetus for Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal Through Loss, a twenty-first-century guide to surviving the death of a loved one.
Barbara Okun, a professor of counseling psychology at Northeastern, has teamed with psychologist and author Joseph Nowinski to formulate a fresh framework for understanding and managing “the new grief,” as they call it.
“Today,” the authors explain, “having a loved one live with a terminal diagnosis for an extended period of time is fast replacing sudden and unexpected death as the norm.”
Though this extra time is in many ways a blessing, it also introduces complications, as when patients and their families are forced to bear a relentless, sometimes long diminishment
of the quality of the patient’s life.
To help the terminally ill and their family members and close friends adjust to the new paradigm of death, Okun and Nowinski examine what they see as the five stages of family grief—crisis, unity, upheaval, resolution, and renewal—devoting a section of the book to each.
Within this framework, the authors draw on their expertise to console and advise all those touched by the illness and loss of someone they love.
Saying Goodbye acknowledges the complex emotions evoked by a loved one’s terminal illness. It suggests ways to cope with trauma, as well as strategies for communicating with
everyone involved in the process, from medical professionals to children in the family.
It covers many of the essentials of death preparation—from wills and powers of attorney, to support groups. It addresses other practical considerations surrounding a terminal illness, including how to find medical and social-service support. Family members will be surprised at the number of resources available to them, the book notes.
And the authors introduce readers to a built-in support network, by including stories told by people who have themselves survived the loss of a loved one.
These range from seniors who’ve said goodbye to a longtime spouse, to parents who’ve endured the death of a young child. (Nor do Okun and Nowinski shy away from contributing
their own stories of grief, underscoring the universality of loss.)
Some of the accounts are heart-wrenching. One of the most affecting appears late in the book: Debbie and her husband, Tom, lost their first daughter to leukemia when she was six years old. Debbie, now sixty, recalls that loss as the most painful experience of her life.
The very nature of Debbie’s and Tom’s careers—she’s a physician, he’s a biomedical engineer—made them feel their powerlessness particularly acutely. As they saw it, their work
allowed them to help other people’s daughters, but not their own.
Debbie goes on to relate how, years after the little girl’s death, the family began the tradition of holding a party to commemorate her birthday. Okun and Nowinski point to the
healing power of this decision, prompted by the family’s realization that they wanted to celebrate a life, not just mourn a death.
All the book’s stories, the reader discovers, work on two levels: as in-the-moment descriptions of loss, and as case studies of people who’ve survived a bereavement and can give counsel with the benefit of hindsight.
Some families, the book reveals, manage to emerge stronger after a death. “As time passes,” the authors write, “grief can affect every aspect of family life and significantly alter the family’s dynamics. It can be very uncomfortable indeed. Yet it is that very discomfort that can set the stage for resolution and renewal.”
One transformation story Okun and Nowinski tell centers around a widow who, in the wake of her husband’s death, finds herself entirely unable to manage her household. Her
long reliance on her husband’s attention to everyday matters, like paying bills, has left her in a precarious state of not-knowing-how.
That’s when her adult daughters step in to move her toward self-sufficiency. They hire a part-time assistant who can help her with her personal finances—and teach her how to conduct
her affairs more independently in the future, so she can continue to live on her own in her house.
Americans aren’t especially known for their eagerness to have frank discussions about death. As a result, there may be those who hesitate to dig into Saying Goodbye, believing it too tough of a read. Yet this book treats its subject sensitively and thoughtfully, an outcome that’s testament to the authors’
skills as researchers and writers.
Saying Goodbye is challenging but beneficial reading, fulfilling its goal of serving as “both a source of useful information and a source of comfort.”
In doing so, it affirms something profoundly reassuring—that the death of a loved one may lead to new signs of life, in the rebirth of family bonds.
Magdalena Hernandez, MBA’02, is a senior editor.
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