Please Fence Me In
Expert advice on setting clear boundaries for children
Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment, by Lynne Reeves Griffin (Berkley Books; New York; 2007; 272 pages; $14)
By Magdalena Hernandez
For parents, it’s the best of times and the worst of times. On the one hand, reproducing has never been hipper. Just open a magazine, and behold the celebrity parents toting their tots to red-carpet events. Blogs, books, and movies compete to show you the bliss of becoming a hipster dad or a yummy mummy.
Then there’s the reality: Two-income families, juggling child care and increasingly hectic schedules. Harried moms and dads, feeling guilty about not seeing their offspring enough. To enjoy what little time they have with their children and make up for absences, they let bad behavior slide, treat kids like pals, or shower them with gifts.
Think that describes a perfect storm for creating spoiled children? Lynne Reeves Griffin, UC’85, GB’92, thinks so, too, and she’s attempted to provide an antidote with her new book, Negotiation Generation.
Griffin, a faculty member in Wheelock College’s social work and family studies graduate program, is the founder and executive director of an organization called Proactive Parenting, and a twenty-year veteran of counseling parents and teachers on child development and behavior management.
A major sinkhole in parenting, says Griffin, is the willingness of today’s parents, the “negotiation generation” of the book’s title, to negotiate with their kids on everything “from breakfast to bedtime,” as she describes it.
What children really need from parents, the author counsels, are clear, consistent boundaries. The proactive parenting Griffin champions emphasizes thinking like a teacher, setting limits, and knowing when to take action instead of talk.
She offers this tantalizing promise to those who follow her suggestions: “If you choose to spend your time parenting proactively, you’ll reject the bad parent/bad child thinking of the blame game. Instead, you’ll recognize that you can spend your time modifying your style, working toward your child’s style, or refining your lifestyle, all with the goal of increasing family harmony.”
Don’t let mood or stress affect how you respond to your brood, the book advises. Be an authority figure—not a friend—to your children. Most important: Remember that some rules are nonnegotiable. Once they’re in place and clear to all, discussing them is pointless and counterproductive.
It’s a position that may surprise all the moms and dads schooled to believe in the efficacy of talking things through. On the contrary, the author says—silence can be golden when it comes to kids. As the no-nonsense epigraph to Chapter 1 puts it: “Children who don’t listen have parents who talk too much.”
Say your child is tossing rolls from a breadbasket. Don’t make repeated pleas to stop. After a warning, take the basket away, without talking. A firm gesture, Griffin says, is worth a thousand words.
Children actually prefer nonnegotiable limits and rules, the author explains, because boundaries help kids feel secure and loved.
Besides, setting limits is an integral part of a parent’s job description. “Deciding what is and what isn’t negotiable, along with making expectations clear to your child, is at the very heart of parenting,” Griffin writes. Parents must anticipate behavior, discuss rules in advance, and communicate their expectations for good conduct.
Griffin also advises on which limits—or “fences,” as she calls them—are the most critical. Respect, for instance, is a nonnegotiable boundary.
The approach isn’t all “just say no.” Parents are urged to offer age-appropriate choices as a way of granting freedom within the fences. A child may not scarf cookies before dinner, for instance. He should, however, be allowed to decide which healthy afternoon snack he wants. And limits can be loosened as children mature and earn their parents’ trust.
But all children fare poorly when freedom is granted without restraint, the author reminds us. In fact, when children misbehave, she says, they’re essentially asking “Where’s the fence?”
Punishing, in Griffin’s view, only begets more punishing. The key for getting children to behave is to help them build skills for behaving. Toward that end, parents need to see themselves as their children’s teachers, not their disciplinarians.
Even parent-child squabbles can contribute to skill building. They’re not “arguments to win or controversies to avoid,” the author tells us. They’re “opportunities for learning.”
Again and again, Griffin urges parents to do more than just react to problems. The key lies in thinking ahead—predicting in order to prepare and prevent. “You can predict with some degree of certainty what your child will do in any given situation,” she writes, “and because you can, you can take action to avoid conflict.”
Negotiation Generation is an immensely readable guide. Griffin’s tone is authoritative yet kind, persuasive without sounding chastising.
And, as in every good book of this kind, the real-life examples are plentiful, to the point, and interesting, detailing toddler tantrums, teenage angst, and every meltdown in between.
Of course, some troubled kids may require special help, such as counseling or pharmaceuticals. Griffin readily concedes her method is not a one-size-fits-all proposition, and a child’s particular temperament and needs will affect his responsiveness.
However, the author believes that proactive parenting can improve most children’s misbehavior and, if applied early on, can prevent major problems from developing in the first place.
Newbie parents are sure to find solid parenting advice here. Even seasoned parents will likely learn a trick or two. The book gets at the heart of what matters: Discipline, good manners, and thoughtfulness are important traits to pass on to children. Griffin helps ensure parents have the tools and confidence to instill them.
In fact, as you read the book, it may strike you that modern parents are really the recalcitrant children in need of retraining. Happily, Griffin is here to set some boundaries.
So, if you’re increasingly inclined to see your children as nasty, brutish, and short, take a step back. You may be the one who needs to do a little homework.
Magdalena Hernandez, MBA’02, is a senior editor.
Bookmarks
Dogs I Have Met: And the People They Found, by Ken Foster; Lyons Press; 2008
In a follow-up to his 2006 memoir, The Dogs Who Found Me, Ken Foster, GB’89, introduces new friends and catches us up with old pals. Reprinting fan letters written in response to his previous book, he segues into fresh adventures. And he tells some extraordinary tales: a pit bull that adopts a piglet, a woman in Costa Rica who takes in fifty-five strays. Community is the undercurrent throughout, as Foster puts a positive spin on “pack mentality.”
Foster’s fans will be glad to see he retains his knack for finding the absurd and the affecting in everyday situations. Even if you’re more of a cat person, this collection is a tail-wagging delight.
Russians in Hollywood, Hollywood’s Russians: Biography of an Image, by Harlow Robinson; Northeastern University Press, 2007
The backdrop for Dr. Zhivago, Dr. Strangelove, and Reds. The birthplace of movie deal makers, composers, and actors.
Russia has made an indelible mark on American cinema. Here is the first book to explore that impact, examining both Russia’s representations on celluloid and the émigrés who worked in front of and behind the camera.
Harlow Robinson, Matthews Distinguished University Professor of Modern Languages and History at Northeastern, has penned a fascinating account of the intersection of La-La Land and Mother Russia, through bios, political insight, and film analysis. His lively volume will please historian and cinephile alike.